I'm Not a Flake, I Swear.

Now that we are well into 2018, I have been working really hard to achieve the goals I set for myself. One of my biggest goals was reliability. And one of my biggest struggles is sticking to plans that I make. I'm still working to recognize this about myself, and I have made it a point to be better. I know that some of you may think that I am flaky, and I just wanted to address this, and make you aware of some of the reasons that I may back out of plans:

1. My muggle life- I work a muggle job full-time, which is about a 40 minute drive my from house. Because of this, I often cannot make plans for weeknights because I do not have time to get ready once I get home from work and still make a decent time schedule. I also have had some family stuff come up recently. Not only am I dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with that, but it also requires me to go out of town, and mentally have to prepare to make arrangements for and be in charge of my family members. That takes a toll on anyone.

2. My mental health- mental health is another thing I promised myself I would address in 2018. Among mental illness that I have, that hasn't been diagnosed at this time, I also suffer from anxiety. This can be social, or generalized. The anxiety I feel any time I have to be around people I don't know, put myself out there, do something I am not sure I will excel at, etc, will paralyze me until I bail. I also suffer from depression, which causes me to withdrawal and not leave my bed even though I want to.

3. Money- There are many shows, events, classes, workshops, costume pieces, etc that I want to invest in. However, because of stupid decisions from when I was younger, I have a lot of financial responsibilities. This means that I cannot see, make, or buy as many things as I want to.

4. My health- This season has been insanely bad for everyone. Since October, I have had strep throat, a sinus infection, and pneumonia. All of those knocked me on my ass and I had to go to the urgent care. This not only costs money I didn't have, but also required me to rest and hydrate at home. I did not want to bring that anywhere, and it caused me to have to cancel shows I was in, rehearsals, photo shoots, and more.

The point of this post is to ask you to please be patient with me as I struggle to find a balance within myself, and become a more affective performer, mentor, colleague, friend, student, and more. I want to apologize to anyone who may have been offended for me standing them up, cancelling, or just not being able to do it that day. I am still learning. And I have to go at a pace that is healthy for me mentally. I cannot get overwhelmed. I can only do what I can do. I am striving to do better. I finally think I am going in the right direction. Please bear with me.